When I was very young, I used to think so deeply about certain things that if my parents knew what I was thinking at that time, they would have been scared. I remember there was this time when I used to think about existence a lot. Somehow, I felt different from my fellow kindergarteners and I used to wonder if I would think and behave the way they did if I were them. There was this particular girl who I found to be bold. She was rather a spoilt brat, I must admit. She was kind of like my best friend until a new girl came who I guess finally snatched her away from me. I kind of hated this new girl for trying to steal my best friend and we were sort of silent enemies. That time was one of the most awful times in kindergarten. I remember when “my best friend” first arrived. She had one of these flowery names like Sweetie, Baby… I can’t seem to remember her name. Maybe my brain deleted her name because I associate her with a lot of pain. Somehow we liked each other and we used to do things together. I really liked her and somehow I aspired to be like her. Then, one day this new girl came and after a few days, my best friend was doing things with her and they were keeping secrets. I felt so betrayed.
Before I was six years, I used to wonder if being Sweetie would make me bolder. I used to wonder why I was not Sweetie, the reason I was me? Sometimes, I used to imagine myself in Sweetie’s body and the way I would act. I looked around me for answers and it finally clicked. I realized one day that I was just me. I was just a phenomenon and name, stature, gender or age would not change anything about me. I used to think of human beings as different glowing masses, each unique. There was just a glowing mass that possessed my characteristics and my name wouldn’t change who I am. My gender wouldn’t change me. Nothing could define who I was because I was already me.
After this realization, I began to think about existence. Why was I on earth in the first place? Why me? What was so special about me that I was brought into being? I guess that is when life became fascinating for me. Today, when I think about people and existence, I still see the glowing masses. I see a scientist mixing different chemicals; a milligram of kindness, 0.5 milligrams of fear, 2 milligrams of boldness……. The end product of whatever unique formula used is a unique glowing mass that goes into a host .This glowing mass is not defined by the host’s name, race, class…etc.